it's been awhile, blogspot

hey. it's me. who else would it be? i've never been so bored in my life and my friends do not like to hang out with me anymore. i'm the one who texts them first. i'm the one who keeps up the conversation. if i made no attempt i think i would be officially friendless. right now i am listening to my brother talk on the phone with my grandparents. it's mindless chatter that makes me want to kill myself. he describes literally every little detail of his lame life to them, like they give a shit. if i ask him a question while hes talking, he pauses and says "oh okay tracy just stopped me and wanted to ask me if i had the gummi bears, you know the ones my mom bought for me from the gas station, you know the one by our house, minute man, they are so good from there, and i had told her that they are in my room and she can help herself to them, i really do not mind." my grandparents do not have the time or the patience to listen to that. i know i sure as hell don't. it's a three hour long convo about him talking about himself and a play by play of what he has done within the past 24 hours. he might as well just write a fucking book about his life. i know he could fill it up quick.

so i leave for college in about 20 days. i'm not excited about it. i hate saint xavier. so far all i've seen are hicks and the nasty south side. i am a north side girl. i like civilization and contemporary surroundings. i do not like places where it seems to always be cloudy and depressing. at first glance it looks more like a mental institution than a university. but then again it is my fault i am stuck with it because i put off my college app choices until the very last minute. if i had my way i would be going to the beautiful SUNY at old westbury. but no. my mom says its too far away. i can't argue though, i am a homebody lately. i'm not ready for my whole life to change and to make all new friends with kids at this school that i'm predicting i will be miserable at. the only plus side is that my classes are awesome. i hope to spend my whole stay in my dorm learning about the interesting topics of my classes. psychology, philosophy, astronomy, world history, and honors english. at least sxu was nice enough to notice that i am great at english and complimented me by putting me in honors. i hope to also get into more writing in college. i've been on a song writing kick, all mostly horrendous, but maybe i can take a poetry writing course of some sort. also there is poetry club but i'm way too embarrassed to read anything that is an original tracy piece. i could always recite some brand new lyrics or something. while on the topic, i met jesse lacey. my dreams actually came true and i can now die knowing that i fulfilled my goal in life. the only problem is that i did not discuss his lyrics with him. i totally froze up. it was an out of body experience and the most surreal 3 minutes of my life. i cannot talk or think about it without hyperventilating. no joke, i really do. i suppress the memory into a generalized vision of the whole concert and then i don't freak out. if i start thinking about exactly how i felt and what i said... i can't. it's just too much for my fragile mind. has anyone noticed how much more focused i am only on myself now? i used to care about other people but i think that this world has an every man for himself kind of theme thus far. i tried caring and it really got me nowhere. i wanted to help the world, but i haven't the means to do so anymore. i have no money, i am completely broke. i have no resources and i know no one that believes in what i do. so how can i change anything in a one-woman show? i would get laughed at. the only way i feel that i can express anything is with lyrics that i've written. but they sound like shit and i do not know how to write melodies and i am completely musically retarded. i have a plan. to meet a guitarist in college and start an acoustic band, once i learn how to sing. i am terrible but maybe with lessons i can polish up my pipes and belt out lyrics, when i learn to write better ones. i also need to learn that not everyone in this world will have the same opinion as me. just because my friends do or act like they do doesn't mean everyone else won't always be as nice. i like what i like and i get defensive about it. i think i should try to change because then i get into degrading fights about it and get called a troll. not everyone thinks that brand new is the greatest band ever, but they should. i can't control it though. putting down brand new or jesse lacey really hurts my feelings because that is pretty much my whole life. it's like me putting down your profession. people aren't as sensitive as they should be. listen to me, i sound like holden caufield here. just... think about what i'm saying. if anyone reads this. and if this makes any sense at all. i'm not going back to read over this, it was just a rant. someone make me feel better please. i'm sorry about bashing my brother before, i love him. i'm just irritable.