Maybe the most stressed I've ever been.

My anxiety and depression (well, I don't think I should formally call it that, since I was never diagnosed) have been really acting up since about a month ago. It seems like I've never had more responsibility than right now. I hate it. I hate school because it's too hard. AP stats is completely raping me right now. I can't keep up with anything and my teacher expects us to just understand everything at the drop of a hat. My grades are really slipping in every class, and I swear to God that I am trying with all I have. And it's not good enough. Then being yelled at by other teachers and my parents when I finally get in a good mood really is the cherry on top. I really don't need this. Senior year is supposed to be easy. I'm just so mad. I want to be done with school. We're not even halfway done with this year. Oh God, and I also have to take finals in a few weeks. I really can't keep my head above water, it's too much for me. Cut me some slack, please. Anyone who reads this, I am about to mentally combust and have a breakdown. So back off.

Sam is away on vacation. She has been for a week. I miss her so much. I don't want to be away from her. Kathleen went away to Indiana I'm pretty sure, too. I haven't seen Anna in three days. So on top of my horrible stress, my friends aren't here for me either. All I have are parents who hassle me and a brother who accepts nothing I do. Sam and I have a huge project to finish and shes not here. I haven't even started. If anyone sees me walking down the street today, hit me with your car. (Note: I'm half kidding, don't call the nearest mental hospital on me). But when I think about it, that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Whatever, I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep and hopefully I'll wake up 5 years from now.

xox. Tracy

In case anyone is wondering...

I got the iPod nano that I wanted for my birthday. It's orange with my name engraved in it. The only thing that sucks is that my iHome won't charge it because it's too old of a model for my new iPod. Whatev. I don't really feel like writing a lot right now. I've had a boring week and tomorrow's Friday. TGIF! I'm watching LA Ink. There is nothing else on tv. Maybe I'll just go to bed instead. This was totally not worth reading.

xox. Tracy

I'm legal, Jesse Lacey, Joaquin Phoenix, and Adam Brody. Have at me!

My birthday was last Wednesday, people. Everyone is asking me if I feel any different. The answer is yes. I feel old, alone, and confused. I am officially no longer a child. I can never go back. I will always be an adult. On the plus side, I've come to a few conclusions. All my life I've been trying to figure out everything quickly to save time. I always want to figure out where am I going to college? And who am I going to marry? And what will become of me in ten years? I've realized that I don't need to know all these answers. I don't need to figure this out years in advance. I should just live in the now, right? I'm finished with my annoying self-doubt. I'm better than that. Ugh, now that that's off my chest, onto more important talk.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING! And you know what? This Christmas will suck. The economy sucks, so maybe I will get one gift this year. My family is a little estranged right now, so it will only be like four people at my house. I have no job, so I won't be buying presents for anyone. I'm 18 now, so the whole children and Santa appeal can't catch my eye anymore. I'm getting fatter, so I will gain even more weight during the holiday season. I almost can't wait until I find my Jewish husband because they fast for their holidays and I can participate. Oh wait, I'm not thinking like that anymore. I am a changed girl. Err.. woman. I hate the way that sounds.

Off to listen to Brand New. I downloaded Jesse Lacey's band before BN today, the Rookie Lot. They're good. I love getting my hands on anything Jesse Lacey/Brand New. Woo!

xox. Tracy