Merry Christmas, Jesus

Well, it's my first christmas being 18! I don't know why that's significant but whatev. I just haven't written in a while. What's been going on, Tracy!?!?!!?

Well, blogspot, I finally went to see Milk last week. No, two weeks ago. It was as spectacular as I thought it would be. I cried at the end. Gus Van Sant really outdid himself this time. I mean, this movie was fantastic. And the fact that it was not suspenseful and still shocking is amazing. Truly genius.

I read that Brand New is winding down on their new album!! This is totally killer. I know this album will be awesome. It has to be, right? I mean they've taken this long with it, it should be no less. I don't think it's possible to make a bad record. Even their mediocre songs are fantastic so it's okay for me to have high expectations.

LOL a Christmas Story has been on all day. And now Home Alone is on. It's been a pretty good Christmas all things considering. And now I'm listening to Elliott Smith. Southern Belle. I think I did well on my finals. Woo!!! Besides for AP stats, but that's expected. And once I finished my test (after the bell, after everyone else was finished and left) she told me that the worst was over, we had finished the hardest material. I am very thankful. OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I ALMOST FORGOT!! I have big news...


I GOT INTO DEPAUL UNIVERSITY!!! It's a miracle, right? I mean, that is a school for smart kids. I'm freaking out. My future is starting to take shape. I can actually see myself going there. I can just picture it now. Okay, well now that I've done some writing (shitty writing), I'm going to go hang out with my brother. Since thats all I do, and I need to get out more, right Simone? I go out more than you ever do. You suck.

xox. Tracy!!! =] =] =]

Maybe the most stressed I've ever been.

My anxiety and depression (well, I don't think I should formally call it that, since I was never diagnosed) have been really acting up since about a month ago. It seems like I've never had more responsibility than right now. I hate it. I hate school because it's too hard. AP stats is completely raping me right now. I can't keep up with anything and my teacher expects us to just understand everything at the drop of a hat. My grades are really slipping in every class, and I swear to God that I am trying with all I have. And it's not good enough. Then being yelled at by other teachers and my parents when I finally get in a good mood really is the cherry on top. I really don't need this. Senior year is supposed to be easy. I'm just so mad. I want to be done with school. We're not even halfway done with this year. Oh God, and I also have to take finals in a few weeks. I really can't keep my head above water, it's too much for me. Cut me some slack, please. Anyone who reads this, I am about to mentally combust and have a breakdown. So back off.

Sam is away on vacation. She has been for a week. I miss her so much. I don't want to be away from her. Kathleen went away to Indiana I'm pretty sure, too. I haven't seen Anna in three days. So on top of my horrible stress, my friends aren't here for me either. All I have are parents who hassle me and a brother who accepts nothing I do. Sam and I have a huge project to finish and shes not here. I haven't even started. If anyone sees me walking down the street today, hit me with your car. (Note: I'm half kidding, don't call the nearest mental hospital on me). But when I think about it, that wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen. Whatever, I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep and hopefully I'll wake up 5 years from now.

xox. Tracy

In case anyone is wondering...

I got the iPod nano that I wanted for my birthday. It's orange with my name engraved in it. The only thing that sucks is that my iHome won't charge it because it's too old of a model for my new iPod. Whatev. I don't really feel like writing a lot right now. I've had a boring week and tomorrow's Friday. TGIF! I'm watching LA Ink. There is nothing else on tv. Maybe I'll just go to bed instead. This was totally not worth reading.

xox. Tracy

I'm legal, Jesse Lacey, Joaquin Phoenix, and Adam Brody. Have at me!

My birthday was last Wednesday, people. Everyone is asking me if I feel any different. The answer is yes. I feel old, alone, and confused. I am officially no longer a child. I can never go back. I will always be an adult. On the plus side, I've come to a few conclusions. All my life I've been trying to figure out everything quickly to save time. I always want to figure out where am I going to college? And who am I going to marry? And what will become of me in ten years? I've realized that I don't need to know all these answers. I don't need to figure this out years in advance. I should just live in the now, right? I'm finished with my annoying self-doubt. I'm better than that. Ugh, now that that's off my chest, onto more important talk.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING! And you know what? This Christmas will suck. The economy sucks, so maybe I will get one gift this year. My family is a little estranged right now, so it will only be like four people at my house. I have no job, so I won't be buying presents for anyone. I'm 18 now, so the whole children and Santa appeal can't catch my eye anymore. I'm getting fatter, so I will gain even more weight during the holiday season. I almost can't wait until I find my Jewish husband because they fast for their holidays and I can participate. Oh wait, I'm not thinking like that anymore. I am a changed girl. Err.. woman. I hate the way that sounds.

Off to listen to Brand New. I downloaded Jesse Lacey's band before BN today, the Rookie Lot. They're good. I love getting my hands on anything Jesse Lacey/Brand New. Woo!

xox. Tracy

I'm sorry.

I've officially abandoned this thing. I seriously never meant to, but I've been busy with school and writing this Brand New ranking for gameFAQs.com. You guys can check it out if you want. It's on the rock music board and my username is tracylacey. GAH I'll write something meaningful soon, I promise.

James Miller and My Obsession With the O.C.

Does this blog make me sound too whiny? I feel as though all I do is use this thing to whine about things that make me mad. Nonetheless, I have something else bothering me that I know I alone can never solve. In Area Studies this week we watched a video on James Miller and his experience in Palestine. As you probably know, Palestine and Israel have been at war for quite some time. The video showed what Miller saw through his own eyes since he was the only cameraman. In the very beginning he films a suicide bomber blown to bits and young children picking up the flesh torn from the bomber's remains. Blood was everywhere. And these kids took it as an everyday thing. No big deal. Then we met Ahmed. He is a 12 year old boy living in Palestine just seconds away from the war sites. There's something different about Ahmed. We all know children as those with big bold curious eyes just waiting to learn and explore. Ahmed didn't want to learn. Or explore. He knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to be a martyr for Palestine and die young for the war. In their culture, dying is glorified as long as it's for your country. Ahmed's eyes were blank. Brainwashed, if you will. He hung out with 20 year old freedom fighters who used him as a look out before they attacked any sort of Israeli they could. The whole time I watched this movie I thought "Life doesn't have to be like this. These kids just don't know any better. They're not looking for peace. They're looking for destruction." I just wanted to go and yell that in Ahmed's face. You don't have to die for something just to prove a point. The first person who speaks out is the one who is brave; the one who dies for a non worthy cause is not the brave one. I see that as cowardly.

Finally, in the end as the tv crew and James Miller set off in the darkness to go back to a safe zone in Palestine, Israelis opened fire, hitting James in the neck and killing him instantly. The crew asked the people of Palestine to not make James into a martyr and put his name on their wall of martyrs. They didn't listen. The next day James' picture was on the wall. There was a celebration that another man has died for their cause. It made me crazy. It made me sick.

There was, however, a semi-happy ending. Ahmed made a video diary for the tv crew after James Miller's death. He said that there wasn't a day he didn't think about James and he was sad about his death. Ahmed decided that being a martyr wasn't for him. He wanted to be a cameraman, just like James. That video took a lot out of me. LIFE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. There is always room for peace. Stubborn people just need to realize that money and power is not everything. It only causes death and destruction. It makes me think how lucky we all are to live in such a beautiful country where, I would think, war is always preventable. Though for the past 7 years it hasn't been. But I hate politics and I won't go off on a tangent about it.

On a lighter note, I have a new obsession. The O.C. I love you, Adam Brody aka Seth Cohen. I've borrowed all the seasons on dvd from Sam and I can't stop watching. I am currently on the 3rd season. I remember when it first came out on Fox and I thought "What the hell is this crap? Another copy off of Laguna Beach? Bitch please." It's actually a wonderful show! Seth is just so hilarious, Ryan is wonderfully badass, and Sandy just adds to the awesomeness. I love it so much, I even got over the fact that Mischa Barton has the most annoying voice ever. I haven't even been online at all lately because all I have been doing is watching the O.C. Just another thing to add to my amazingly dull life. I'm pretty late in the whole craze over it, but whatev. At least I'm into it now. Ugh well I'm bored so I'll throw on an O.C. episode. I can't wait to see what happens next!

Laterzzzz!!

xox. Tracy

It's like everyone around me is falling into a hole.

I don't mean this towards anyone specifically. Really, I don't. But just lately it seems like my friends and acquaintances are just going to bigger extremes and doing worse things. People I'm seriously close with are just shocking me no to end. It's really making me sad to see good people with brains and beauty throw it away for something such as a high. Or coolness. That shit doesn't fly with me. I don't care the excuse. People reading this might think I'm a total hypocrite for writing all this, but listen. I like to have my fun. I like to go out. I like to experiment. But only to a certain extent. There's only so many parties you can go to and so many drugs you can do before you realise that it's not life. We are not in college yet. We are in high school. Enjoy your childhood for as long as you can because it's never going to come around again. Keep this up and you will never fall out of the drinking everyday funk. I think it's time for people to realise what means the most to them right now. If it's not school or your closest friends or your family, we have a problem here. I'm sick of seeing people act like they're wanting to flush their lives down the toilet. This is really hurting me. I feel like staying home and watching movies or going shopping with my mommy just isn't considered good enough anymore. It's not "what are we doing tonight?" it's "where's the party tonight?" Save all that bullshit for college when it doesn't matter as much. Life is short. Childhood is not forever. Sure, you want your freedom. Who doesn't? But it'll come sooner than you think. Enjoy your family and friends and youth while you can. It'll all be gone one day. All of it. And you won't even see it coming. Make good choices, please. I don't want to see anyone I know's name in the obituaries any time soon.

It's 10 o'clock. Bedtime. Please think about what I said.

xox. Tracy

Ahhh it's finally starting to feel like fall! =]

My most favorite season of all is here. Today was the day I finally felt it in my bones. I left school early today because I was bored and had a stummy ache. So I get home, then go pick up Sam to go to the grocery store. When we got out of the car, I felt the chill of summer being let go, the smell of leaves starting to die. Theres a certain sadness when you see dying plants that wish for summer's warmth, but you know it will all grow back. So it's okay. Fall just lets you know that everything is going to be okay. I get to finally wear my northface and pea coats and scarves and faux skin moccasins. They keep my feet warm and cozy. I can finally bust out my tube socks and sweaters. Theres just an indescribable feeling related to fall.

When fall is here, I know that my BIRTHDAY IS SOON! I asked for a new ipod nano. The orange one. Who knows if my weirdo parents will get it for me, or anything for that matter. Yesterday I reminded my mom what I wanted and she told me to go a job. Supposedly I'm old enough to buy myself birthday presents now. I don't need parents for that anymore. Someone needs to take their head out of their ass. Just sayin.
^That is why I need to go far far away to Timbuktu for college.

This particular fall will be especially amazing because... Da da da daaaa.... BRAND NEW IS COMING OUT WITH A NEW ALBUM!!! Could life possibly get any better? I'm sitting here listening to Welcome to Bangkok and thinking "What could they possibly do to top themselves this time?" But I know they will. They always do. The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me is the most beautiful album ever written. EVER. According to Jesse Lacey, In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel is the most beautiful. I beg to differ, Mr. Lacey. Your work far surpasses any other artist in the world ever. You hear me? EVER ANYWHERE ANYTIME. You underestimate yourself a little. You genius, you.

Speaking of Brand New, this guy on gameFAQs has been writing rankings of every BN song. But for the past 5 days or so, he's been MIA. Like, no one knows where he is. My fellow nerds and I have been writing funny Brand New lyric puns to make fun of his disappearance. "I'm sure there's someone who knows where Guitarasaurus HAS BEEEEEEEN!!" Lololololol. And "He knows that this is what we want. A funeral keeps all of us apart". I came up with that one all myself. The thing is, he decided to go lose himself right as he was getting to the FINAL 3 write ups. So now I'll never know what the top 3 BN songs are, in his opinion. I happened to make a Brand New ranking myself. My top three are; The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot (Guitarasaurus' number 10), Archers (his number 22 =O), and Limousine (his number 5). I don't see how Archers is number 22. It has by far Brian Lane's best drumming skills. It also has some pretty heavy lyrics about Jesse Lacey struggling with religion and being a good son/boyfriend. Wonderful song. Listen to it.

Speaking more of Brand New, I'm trying to get my whole grade to vote for Soco Amaretto Lime as our graduation song this year. It's so perfect. If you're not familiar with the song, you can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDBp2SFIp8M
"I'm gonna stay 18 forever so we can stay like this forever. And we'll never miss a party cause we keep them going constantly. And we'll never have to listen to anyone about anything cause it's all been done and it's all been said. We're the coolest kids and we take what we can get."
Does that not scream graduation in your face?! The only thing is it references underage drinking pretty much throughout the whole song. I mean, look at the title. But who doesn't underage drink???? HUH??

Daymn this was long. Peace!

xox. Tracy

You're just jealous cause we're young and in love.

I'm seriously getting old.

I'll be 18 years old a month and a day from now. I can legally buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, drug paraphernalia, lighters, go to clubs, be charged for a crime as an adult, date men at any age, have no curfew (even though in Riverside the age for that is 17), and get as many tattoos and piercings to my heart's content. Now that's all well and good, but being a child is going to be missed. I can't play on the monkey bars without looking like an idiot or have an excuse for being terrible at my times tables because I'm "too old for that". I think I'm officially at a quarter-life crisis. Am I even through a quarter of my life yet? 18 times 4 is... Well at least I still have an excuse for not being good at my times tables for another month and a day.

Another reason I'm getting too old: college.
I really need to start to think about where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I want to be a psychoanalyst. I know that much. But where do I go to school? My mom has this thing where she doesn't let go to people so easily and told me that if I go away far to college that I might as well just "shoot her now". I've been looking at this really great school in New York, SUNY at Old Westbury. It's a great school, affordable, I could actually get in, and it's far enough away from Chicago where I can get away from it all but come home if I want. I love big cities, and what better city to be near than New York City? I could enjoy all the things it has to offer. I would love it so much, but my family makes me feel bad for wanting to go away. I'm so torn. What do I do? I just can't go to UIC and live at home. I need the college experience. I've had a wonderful high school experience, met a ton of great friends (who also told me they would die if I left them... ugh), and now it's time to move on. That's what growing up is all about right?

...Right?

xox. Tracy

P.S. 18 times 4 is 72. I used my laptop's calculator. I'll definately be dead by then.

I have a splitting headache. Not one of those sinus headaches. An all-over-my-head kind. My mom says it's from tension.

Ahem. So I have a tension headache. Maybe I'm tense from school... I mean having 2 AP classes when you're a complete idiot is pretty stressful. Today was just a weird day. Like W E I R D. It started off normal, kind of. I was late for school and I was upset. Then when I got to first hour stats I didn't understand what we learned, which is pretty much every day. Then I found out that I needed to make up a stats test I never took. More on that later. So I go to psych, take my quiz and start to read in my text book about dreams. I learned what they are, how its an alternate state of conscious, and the four stages of it. Ever since then I kind of felt like I was in a dream world. Then 5th period we started watching "A Time to Kill" (titles are hard... LOL Simpsons reference) and it is just horrible. It's not a horrible movie, but the beginning scene was a 10 year old black girl getting raped by two white middle aged guys. It was sick. Absolutely disgusting. It really just ruined my already weird ass day. It just made me think how much I HATE racist people. Everyone is the same. If you turned everyone's skin inside out, no one would ever be able to tell what skin color you were. So 6th period I went to pick up my test to take in study hall. As I said before, I'm an idiot, so no doubt I cheated. I definitely got at least a 90. My teacher for sure won't believe it, but hey. It's worth a shot. She has no proof. So after study hall I went to Area Studies and sat there. That class is all busy work. I hate it but it's better than Spanish 4. So after awkwardly listening to my teacher talk about middle eastern culture I went to my locker to go home. Anna and Leeny were waiting for me and we walked to Anna's car. When we got in, Anna drove away and stopped at the stop light. When it turned green, this girl on a bike started riding out in front of Anna's car as if it's her turn. So Kathleen and I SCREAMED at Anna to stop because she didn't see. Anna ended up tapping the girl and she almost fell over. She looked at us like "OMFG what are you doing?!" I understand that we almost hit her, but she should have been looking where she was going. It was just weird. This whole day was just weird.

I got home from school and watched "In the Land of Women". I really just hate the concept of that movie, but Adam Brody is just so irresistible. I don't care how bad the movie is, if he's in it, I'm watching it. It's a weird movie. Kinda. A weird movie to end a weird day. God, I love Jesse Lacey. I'm pretty sure that Adam Brody is Jesse Lacey's doppelganger. They look so much alike and I would marry either of them. Jesse Lacey because of his writing ability. I feel like I know him through his beautiful words. Adam Brody because he makes me drool and he is Jewish. I love Jewish people. I love all people. All of you. Everyone reading this right now. I love you.

I'm officially ugly

I must say that I look in the mirror a lot. Not because I think I look good, I just want to remind myself how gross I look and I shouldn't act superior over other people I think are uglier than me because chances are I'm just as ugly. It's just getting unbearable now. I think that if I didn't have to go to school, I would never leave the house. Make up is starting to not even help anymore. I really don't know what to do. I was off from school all this week due to flooding and I'm so happy. I didn't have to dress to impress unless I went out. I kind of went out a lot. Logan had people over almost every night. It was such a hassle to get ready to go out. You people have no idea how hard it is to not be able to go anywhere without having to put a little bit of make up on. It gets to be so annoying and I've had enough. My mom won't call the fucking dermatologist (sp?) and I'm stuck with this greasy made-up face.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
Hear that, God?
Why couldn't you have made me beautiful like my mom?
Instead I'm a greasy looking ginzo with bad skin from my dad. Great.

xox. Tracy

My first post!

I love to see how I change as time goes on. It seems that I always go back and re-read something that I've said in the past and think "OMG why would I say that?" I kind of want to see how many of those moments I have with this new blog.
My name is Tracy and I'm 17 years old. I am a senior and will be 18 on October 29th. I'm kind of afraid to be an adult. My favorite band is Brand New, hence my username as TracyLacey. Jesse Lacey is the lead singer of BN, he is a genius, and my name would be bitchin if I married him. I also love Elliott Smith, Damien Rice, MGMT, Coldplay, Cursive, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, anything that just has a good soft feel to it and just makes me think. I don't like loud in-your-face music. I like mellow and calm. I love River Phoenix, he is my favorite actor and role model. I love what he stood for and what he believed in. I want to be a psychoanalyst when I grow up. I want to inspire people. I want to be known for doing good in the world. Look forward to reading some interesting bitching that I will most likely be doing on this thing.

xox. Tracy