I'm seriously getting old.

I'll be 18 years old a month and a day from now. I can legally buy cigarettes, lotto tickets, drug paraphernalia, lighters, go to clubs, be charged for a crime as an adult, date men at any age, have no curfew (even though in Riverside the age for that is 17), and get as many tattoos and piercings to my heart's content. Now that's all well and good, but being a child is going to be missed. I can't play on the monkey bars without looking like an idiot or have an excuse for being terrible at my times tables because I'm "too old for that". I think I'm officially at a quarter-life crisis. Am I even through a quarter of my life yet? 18 times 4 is... Well at least I still have an excuse for not being good at my times tables for another month and a day.

Another reason I'm getting too old: college.
I really need to start to think about where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life. I want to be a psychoanalyst. I know that much. But where do I go to school? My mom has this thing where she doesn't let go to people so easily and told me that if I go away far to college that I might as well just "shoot her now". I've been looking at this really great school in New York, SUNY at Old Westbury. It's a great school, affordable, I could actually get in, and it's far enough away from Chicago where I can get away from it all but come home if I want. I love big cities, and what better city to be near than New York City? I could enjoy all the things it has to offer. I would love it so much, but my family makes me feel bad for wanting to go away. I'm so torn. What do I do? I just can't go to UIC and live at home. I need the college experience. I've had a wonderful high school experience, met a ton of great friends (who also told me they would die if I left them... ugh), and now it's time to move on. That's what growing up is all about right?

...Right?

xox. Tracy

P.S. 18 times 4 is 72. I used my laptop's calculator. I'll definately be dead by then.

I have a splitting headache. Not one of those sinus headaches. An all-over-my-head kind. My mom says it's from tension.

Ahem. So I have a tension headache. Maybe I'm tense from school... I mean having 2 AP classes when you're a complete idiot is pretty stressful. Today was just a weird day. Like W E I R D. It started off normal, kind of. I was late for school and I was upset. Then when I got to first hour stats I didn't understand what we learned, which is pretty much every day. Then I found out that I needed to make up a stats test I never took. More on that later. So I go to psych, take my quiz and start to read in my text book about dreams. I learned what they are, how its an alternate state of conscious, and the four stages of it. Ever since then I kind of felt like I was in a dream world. Then 5th period we started watching "A Time to Kill" (titles are hard... LOL Simpsons reference) and it is just horrible. It's not a horrible movie, but the beginning scene was a 10 year old black girl getting raped by two white middle aged guys. It was sick. Absolutely disgusting. It really just ruined my already weird ass day. It just made me think how much I HATE racist people. Everyone is the same. If you turned everyone's skin inside out, no one would ever be able to tell what skin color you were. So 6th period I went to pick up my test to take in study hall. As I said before, I'm an idiot, so no doubt I cheated. I definitely got at least a 90. My teacher for sure won't believe it, but hey. It's worth a shot. She has no proof. So after study hall I went to Area Studies and sat there. That class is all busy work. I hate it but it's better than Spanish 4. So after awkwardly listening to my teacher talk about middle eastern culture I went to my locker to go home. Anna and Leeny were waiting for me and we walked to Anna's car. When we got in, Anna drove away and stopped at the stop light. When it turned green, this girl on a bike started riding out in front of Anna's car as if it's her turn. So Kathleen and I SCREAMED at Anna to stop because she didn't see. Anna ended up tapping the girl and she almost fell over. She looked at us like "OMFG what are you doing?!" I understand that we almost hit her, but she should have been looking where she was going. It was just weird. This whole day was just weird.

I got home from school and watched "In the Land of Women". I really just hate the concept of that movie, but Adam Brody is just so irresistible. I don't care how bad the movie is, if he's in it, I'm watching it. It's a weird movie. Kinda. A weird movie to end a weird day. God, I love Jesse Lacey. I'm pretty sure that Adam Brody is Jesse Lacey's doppelganger. They look so much alike and I would marry either of them. Jesse Lacey because of his writing ability. I feel like I know him through his beautiful words. Adam Brody because he makes me drool and he is Jewish. I love Jewish people. I love all people. All of you. Everyone reading this right now. I love you.

I'm officially ugly

I must say that I look in the mirror a lot. Not because I think I look good, I just want to remind myself how gross I look and I shouldn't act superior over other people I think are uglier than me because chances are I'm just as ugly. It's just getting unbearable now. I think that if I didn't have to go to school, I would never leave the house. Make up is starting to not even help anymore. I really don't know what to do. I was off from school all this week due to flooding and I'm so happy. I didn't have to dress to impress unless I went out. I kind of went out a lot. Logan had people over almost every night. It was such a hassle to get ready to go out. You people have no idea how hard it is to not be able to go anywhere without having to put a little bit of make up on. It gets to be so annoying and I've had enough. My mom won't call the fucking dermatologist (sp?) and I'm stuck with this greasy made-up face.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
Hear that, God?
Why couldn't you have made me beautiful like my mom?
Instead I'm a greasy looking ginzo with bad skin from my dad. Great.

xox. Tracy

My first post!

I love to see how I change as time goes on. It seems that I always go back and re-read something that I've said in the past and think "OMG why would I say that?" I kind of want to see how many of those moments I have with this new blog.
My name is Tracy and I'm 17 years old. I am a senior and will be 18 on October 29th. I'm kind of afraid to be an adult. My favorite band is Brand New, hence my username as TracyLacey. Jesse Lacey is the lead singer of BN, he is a genius, and my name would be bitchin if I married him. I also love Elliott Smith, Damien Rice, MGMT, Coldplay, Cursive, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash, anything that just has a good soft feel to it and just makes me think. I don't like loud in-your-face music. I like mellow and calm. I love River Phoenix, he is my favorite actor and role model. I love what he stood for and what he believed in. I want to be a psychoanalyst when I grow up. I want to inspire people. I want to be known for doing good in the world. Look forward to reading some interesting bitching that I will most likely be doing on this thing.

xox. Tracy